Hey all! If you noticed that I was not blogging daily last week, it was because my life has been crazy hectic lately. I have tons of projects due soon that I’ve had to work on, and I had a couple exams last week too. I have to say that I am getting eager to be done with being a student (I’m not even halfway done with college :S ).
All four of my housemates were gone this weekend, so I got pretty lonely. To me, feeling lonely is the worst emotion. I am honestly scared to death of it. Last year I had to navigate transitions from school to college, small town to big city, and being surrounded by friends and family to not knowing anyone. It was awful. My heart broke in longing for the loved ones I missed, and my soul ached for the comfort of familiarity. I was on the verge of tears for weeks, and I wanted to drop out so badly. I have not told many people this, but that was the worst time of my life. I felt sick inside, and that feeling led to grim despair, episodes of intense sadness, and panic attacks. I thought I would never be okay again. That awful feeling stayed with me for several months. It mostly went away after my first semester, but would come and go during the months after that. I especially felt hopeless in the mornings when I first woke up. I think a lot of it can be attributed to the seasonal depression many people experience during the winter. I cried out to God in my pain, and though I felt a lot closer to Him during that time, I wondered why He would not take the feeling away. Perhaps His reasoning was to grow us closer through the experience — seemed cruel to me. When I moved back about a month ago for my second year of college, the panicky feeling came back in full force. At the end of the summer I cried and prayed and honestly screamed during the entire 2-hour drive from my home back to college. With every mile I drove father away from my home I felt my hope being stripped away. I knew I didn’t have any reason to feel that way, but I did. I begged God to help me, but I could not hear Him answer. That made me mad. It was a week or so into the school year that I got my answer. I was sitting in my room, pondering my search for answers in the Bible. I was thinking about how sad I was and how much I don’t like being at college. I was wondering, for the thousandth time, why I feel the way I do. Suddenly, the word “fearless” came to my mind. Was I being ruled by fears? What would it be like to live fearlessly? Suddenly the sick feeling went away. I felt like there were knots in my stomach that just disappeared. I know in my mind that I don’t need to fear because God is with me, but I realized that I wasn’t living like that. I still have a long way to go in my effort to live fearlessly, but I am overjoyed that I found the reason behind my feelings of depression and panic. I was a little lonely today, but I did not despair. Things are so much better than this time last year, and I praise God for that.
I haven’t been writing much lately. I have kind of a Type A, perfectionist personality, so I don’t like to write anything unless it’s really good. I know that isn’t the right mindset and that I should write something every day, just to make it a habit. Inspiration isn’t always easily forthcoming.
Here’s what some very influential men in my life have to say about the topic:
Thanks for sticking with me, readers!
Here’s hoping that life will settle down some!