Return for Me

I detest conflict

Close calls

Controversy

Fear of every kind

 

I hate feeling like a hindrance

Inadequate

Insignificant

Unwanted

 

How awful it is to be alone

Yet how much more awful

To be surrounded by people

And still feel lonely

 

Where is the sun?

Oh, to be carefree!

When my Beloved returns for me

I shall fly as free as a bird

I shall stand as tall as the mountains

 

 

Just a poem about how I am feeling today.  If you were wondering, “Beloved” refers to Jesus.  “For in him we live and move and have our being.”  Acts 17:28

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First Lesson!

Hey all!

I gave my first lesson on Wednesday.  Exciting!  I am getting closer to becoming a teacher!  The lesson went fairly well.  There are, of course, some things I would change in retrospect, but overall I was pleased with how it went.  It was a science lesson about sorting rocks based on their properties.

I just need to say how much I adore my housemates.  I can hear them giggling right now.  They are kindhearted, hilarious, and love the Lord.  What more could I ask for in a friendship?  Best of all, there’s four of them.  Living here is basically a party.

Today was interesting.  I woke up early so I could drive to class instead of biking.  I had to walk a couple of blocks from my parking spot to the campus; the leaves were so beautiful, and there was a mist hanging over the city.  It was a great start to the day as I chatted with God and enjoyed the sights, sounds, and smells of fall.  I had earth science at 8 AM, then my education class, literature, communications, and finally linguistics.  I had my first linguistics exam today, so I basically studied for that during all my other classes :S.  I felt a little nervous and unprepared, but I think it went okay.  Not great, but okay.

I am exhausted!  I’ll catch up on homework tomorrow, but now it’s off to bed for me!

Goodnight,

—Lionheart

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Life.

Life!  It’s crazy and awesome and sometimes horrible but never boring.  What brought on this interesting observation, you ask?  I was just sitting here thinking about how much I want certain things.  I want a man by my side.  I want twelve children running around.  I want a house that we can make into a home.  I want to drive from coast to coast.  I want to backpack Europe.  I want to feel pretty, loved, and safe.  I want to go on adventures.  I want to make a difference in someone’s life.  I want to create beautiful things.  But more than anything else I want to be fearless.  I want to wake up each morning excited.  I don’t want to walk when I can run.  I don’t want to smile when I can laugh.  I don’t want to live life anything less than passionate and purposeful.

What stops me from living fearlessly?  I get pulled into the routine of worrying about classes, choosing to watch a movie or browse the internet instead of working out or doing social things, and thinking that life is so busy that I don’t have time to read the Bible.  I feel like I’m always waiting.  “Maybe I’ll have time next week/month/semester.”  Like that’s going to happen.  Let’s be honest: when we say later we really mean never.  Change has to start today.  A friend of mine once said that this time of our lives, before we’re married and have a family, doesn’t belong to us.  It belongs to our future spouse and family.  We should not be living selfishly; we should be preparing ourselves for the life that is to come.

A work in progress.

–Lionheart

 

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Last Week

Hey all!  If you noticed that I was not blogging daily last week, it was because my life has been crazy hectic lately.  I have tons of projects due soon that I’ve had to work on, and I had a couple exams last week too.  I have to say that I am getting eager to be done with being a student (I’m not even halfway done with college :S ).

All four of my housemates were gone this weekend, so I got pretty lonely.  To me, feeling lonely is the worst emotion.  I am honestly scared to death of it.  Last year I had to navigate transitions from school to college, small town to big city, and being surrounded by friends and family to not knowing anyone.  It was awful.  My heart broke in longing for the loved ones I missed, and my soul ached for the comfort of familiarity.  I was on the verge of tears for weeks, and I wanted to drop out so badly.  I have not told many people this, but that was the worst time of my life.  I felt sick inside, and that feeling led to grim despair, episodes of intense sadness, and panic attacks.  I thought I would never be okay again.  That awful feeling stayed with me for several months.  It mostly went away after my first semester, but would come and go during the months after that.  I especially felt hopeless in the mornings when I first woke up.  I think a lot of it can be attributed to the seasonal depression many people experience during the winter.  I cried out to God in my pain, and though I felt a lot closer to Him during that time, I wondered why He would not take the feeling away.  Perhaps His reasoning was to grow us closer through the experience — seemed cruel to me.  When I moved back about a month ago for my second year of college, the panicky feeling came back in full force.  At the end of the summer I cried and prayed and honestly screamed during the entire 2-hour drive from my home back to college.  With every mile I drove father away from my home I felt my hope being stripped away.  I knew I didn’t have any reason to feel that way, but I did.  I begged God to help me, but I could not hear Him answer.  That made me mad.  It was a week or so into the school year that I got my answer.  I was sitting in my room, pondering my search for answers in the Bible.  I was thinking about how sad I was and how much I don’t like being at college.  I was wondering, for the thousandth time, why I feel the way I do.  Suddenly, the word “fearless” came to my mind.  Was I being ruled by fears?  What would it be like to live fearlessly?  Suddenly the sick feeling went away.  I felt like there were knots in my stomach that just disappeared.  I know in my mind that I don’t need to fear because God is with me, but I realized that I wasn’t living like that.  I still have a long way to go in my effort to live fearlessly, but I am overjoyed that I found the reason behind my feelings of depression and panic.  I was a little lonely today, but I did not despair.   Things are so much better than this time last year, and I praise God for that.

 

I haven’t been writing much lately.  I have kind of a Type A, perfectionist personality, so I don’t like to write anything unless it’s really good.  I know that isn’t the right mindset and that I should write something every day, just to make it a habit.  Inspiration isn’t always easily forthcoming.

Here’s what some very influential men in my life have to say about the topic:

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Thanks for sticking with me, readers!
Here’s hoping that life will settle down some!

—Lionheart